i hate my husband because of his mother

Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). They are inseparable. Ok. No problem. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. Sunshine Brite something random The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Also. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. . Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Skyblossom The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. to solve the problem. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. 2. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Of course this is family (a parent! My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. Why do I hate my husband? That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . Is there a senior center in your community? It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. But who among us isnt? This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. However, its just for a short while. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Is it normal to hate your husband? LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. So let me see if I understand this. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Hiring a maid or part time help. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. I loved this response! Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. Right? That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Never said her solution was good or right. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. A central . Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. May 9, 2022 by by Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. However, things have changed now. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? In fact, someone else may be a far better option. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. But who among us isn't? One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. And it is stressful and daunting. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Free housing! How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. (Right?) Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn).

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